Argh what's going on in my head?!? Why do these negative thoughts and emotions keep popping up all the time? My mind has such a big influence on how I experience things; I'm sure you can relate to that. A snide or encouraging thought can either degrade or transform my interpretation of someone or something.
What's wrong with me???
So how come this was happening to me? Why was I letting these negative thoughts dominate and create a bleak picture of my life? These questions had pestered me for the last seven or eight years. Even when I was experiencing fun and enjoyable things like holidays, then I'd start thinking about the number of days that were left and how I'd have to go back to work and all the mundane things that involved. Or having a fun night out with mates, then I'd start thinking about how much money I was "wasting" and how many hours of work the night was costing me.
When I would finally open up to people and tell them how I was feeling and what was going on in my head they would say things like "just let it go" or "don't get so worked up about things" or "it'll be OK, just give it some time." I could understand what they meant. I should be able to relax and enjoy a holiday and night out. I mean that's one of the reasons I work, so I'm able to spend money. I'm an intelligent person; I should be able to be smarter than this when it comes to how my mind is working and influencing how I'm experiencing life.
At the same time I would find these miniscule pieces of advice frustrating and incomplete. I had already tried doing these things and it didn't help. I would logically try and analyse why I felt like I had to berate myself or other people for the smallest of errors. Was it that hard to be positive?
Finding the answer
I knew the answer had to be out there somewhere and so I decided to find it. I started my journey with research. I read countless books and Googled everything ranging from life coaching to mindfulness to anxiety to Buddhism. I'm glad they put in those self checkout stations in the library; I think the staff would have got sick of me!
I thought that if I read and talked to enough people, I should be able to find the answer to becoming positive. I knew that changing my thinking would massively change my experiences in life. Research helped give me a more thorough understanding of negative thinking and myself as a person but research didn't help it go away.
Something was missing. I still wasn't getting results. I'd have "ahaaaa moments" and gain new insights but my negative self talk and thoughts would continually come back. I was putting in a lot of effort and energy into this negativity. I wanted this to be going into something more productive.
It's all about the vibe; intuition
I had to change something. One of the books I was reading was talking about being more intuitive and not just being aware of it but actually acting on it. I decided to give this a go. I was in Birchalls looking for a birthday card and I found my attention being drawn to a different area. I wanted to walk to a different part of the store. I let my feet take me to the 'New Age' book section. A book jumped out me Create Your Perfect Future. I laughed out loud and thought to myself "well, that's what I want to do!"
The author Anne Jirsch is into past life regression. There were lots of exercises and techniques in the book which helped create a more positive and happier past by identifying blocks and using processes like cord cutting and changing perceptions of events. This in turn changed my beliefs about things which had happened in the past. I found that changing beliefs was powerful because it created changes in the present and future.
Anne created Future Life Progression which is when instead of going into your past, you go into your future. When she did this she'd ask her future self for advice on what she needed to know. In the book she provides lots of different exercises to visualise your perfect future and set goals for it.
This was really beneficial for me because I realised how much time and energy I had spent analysing the past and running past events and conversations over in my head. By changing my beliefs about things that had happened in the past I was able to get on with living in the now and aiming for things in the future.
I realised I hadn't really thought about my future and exactly what I wanted out of it. I had a general idea of "being happy" but not a clear understanding of what that actually involved for me and how to get it. If I didn't know what "happy" was for me how could I ever achieve it? Setting positive, achievable goals fixed that. I'm glad I decided to take action and discover how to become a happier and more positive person, rather than just reading, researching and talking about being positive. Now I'm creating the future that I want, rather than focusing on what I don't want.
Something to think about...
The Bad News: Nothing lasts forever
The Good News: Nothing lasts forever